Going back home after rehab is rarely the big sigh of relief we might wish it was.
You may have put in the work. You may be ready to do things differently. You may want to get back to the way things used to be at home.
But there is often another person at home who hasn’t gone through the same healing process you have. Coming back together with your partner and trying to get that relationship back on track, while at the same time managing your recovery, is a challenge all on its own.
Let’s talk about some of the difficulties you can expect, and how you can push through them.
1. You’re facing the same triggers in your relationship that were there when you left.
You’ve probably considered some of the triggers you’re going to encounter after getting out of rehab. The state of your marriage or relationship is one that is likely to be there day in and day out.
Relationship stress can weigh you down pretty quickly – from minor bickering to massive screaming fights, it can tax your emotional stamina and lead you back to the unhealthy coping mechanisms you turned to in the past. The problem is that although you may have done some significant internal work during your own therapy and rehab, you may not have had the chance to put the focus on the relationship. You may be walking right into the same tension that you left.
Your saving grace here is timeout. When it comes to a relationship issue, it is almost never an emergency. Your girlfriend yelled at you unfairly? Your husband is acting all condescending again? These are issues to discuss – later.
Before you even respond to these triggers, back out and collect yourself. Manage your emotions. You’re allowed to be angry or frustrated or annoyed – but you will handle this situation much better once you’re calmer.
Don’t try to push through to prove your point or set the record straight. Say respectfully, “I don’t think this conversation is going to work right now,” and back out. (This will work much better if you let your partner know that this will be your plan in stressful moments.)
Come back to the issue later when everyone is cooled down a bit; the relationship will fare much better.
2. You may have caused hurt to your partner – and that hasn’t gone away.
A common experience for people who are really trying to pull out of addiction and other negative life choices is that while they’re feeling great about their decisions, their partner is still holding on to resentment and pain from things that have happened, and their trust is low. To the person in recovery, this can sometimes feel like their partner are “living in the past.”
The reality is that just because you’ve gone through a meaningful process and hopefully have made real change, that doesn’t mean that your partner can see or believe that instantly. They don’t know what’s been going in your head. They may not have seen you for weeks or months. All they have is their partner showing back up and assuring them that things will be different.
And, let’s be honest – would it be fair to say they’ve heard that before and it didn’t pan out?
So it makes sense for them to be a little doubtful. And it makes sense for them to still be hurting from things you’ve said or done in the past. Those don’t disappear just because you’re trying to be different now.
The way through this is with a lot of listening and a lot of empathy.
If your partner is still having feelings about incidents from the past, ask them about it. Tell them you’d like to hear how they felt and be accountable for those things that happened. Do not argue about whether they have the facts right! Being right will get nobody nowhere; being empathic will be far more effective.
If they say they are angry about the time you maxed out the credit card, your job is simply to convey to them that you understand how they feel and why they feel that way. That sounds like this: “I can understand how stressful it must have been for you when you realized I’d maxed out the credit card. I’m really sorry you had that experience. That’s really awful.” You’re offering understanding and empathy; you are not explaining what “really” happened or insisting they believe you that it won’t happen again. They will come to believe you over time if you make good on your word; empathy will do a lot to make that process go more smoothly.
3. Your partner doesn’t know what it’s like to go through rehab or struggle with recovery.
On the flip side, your partner likely doesn’t fully understand your experience either – especially if they have not battled addiction themselves. They may not know what it’s like to be ready to change and not be believed, or, on the other hand, to struggle with cravings, regret, or mental health issues that come along with addiction.
It can be very frustrating to deal with a partner who just “isn’t getting it.” But it can help to remember that it really isn’t their fault that they don’t understand your world. And there’s a lot you can do to shift that: tell them.
Tell your partner what it’s like to go through what you’re going through and how you feel about it. Don’t assume they know. And tell them in a way they can hear you.
To do that, you want to use what therapists love to call “I-statements”. Those are basically sentences that start with “I feel” and go on to explain a feeling. (Pro tip: “I feel like you don’t give a damn” isn’t an I-statement, because that’s what you think, it’s not what you feel. If you can replace the word “feel” with the word “think” and the sentence still makes sense, you’re not on the right track.)
You might say, “I feel really stressed trying to find a job right now,” or, “I’m having a real hard time staying away from the friends that were partying and drinking all the time.” Let your partner know that you’re not looking for them to fix the situation, you just want to let them know what’s going on for you.
This kind of sharing not only lets them into your world and helps them understand the challenges you’re facing, it brings you both closer as a couple, sharing your experiences of life together.
Succeeding in Recovery
This may not be news to you, but recovery is hard. It would be nice if having made the decision to quit was all it took to start a fresh new life. The reality is that there are still many challenges ahead.
Your intimate relationship is an integral part of your life. Often it can add stress to your efforts at recovery, but it can also be huge support for those efforts. If your relationship is more stress and less support, getting some outside help for that is always a good idea. Just like professional help can make a difference in your efforts to overcome addiction, it can make a lot of difference to improve your relationship as well.
The battle against addiction is rarely won alone. Strengthening your relationship is a great way to get support in that fight, and raise the quality of your life overall.
Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C, is the director of the Baltimore Therapy Center, which offers individual, couples, and family therapy in Baltimore for people in recovery and their partners. He is also the author of The Couples Communication Handbook: The Skills You Never Learned for the Marriage You Always Wanted.
